http://asia.userengage.io/34413.php The bullies in the schoolyard are no different from the child bullying her parent at home: Both will stop at nothing to get what they want. They lack empathy and are trapped in their own narcissism. They will threaten, blackmail, and terrorize you until you give in. Until they are taught limits and boundaries, the parent-child relationship is doomed.
The question most parents ask when their child of any age rebels or become difficult is: What happened to my sweet, affectionate, obedient child? How does pushing the limits and seeking independence cross the line to bullying? Grover: Never let your kid disrespect you. Never let your kid talk down to you. Establish a culture of mutual respect in your family. Help your kid to express frustration constructively. A little bit of defiance is expected in children. It's how they learn to be assertive and establish a solid sense of self and identity.
You don't want your kid being too cooperative or too accommodating. He or she will become a pushover or a target for bullies, and is more likely to suffer from anxiety or depression. What immediate steps can a parent take when immersed in a standoff with their child? Grover: Bullying is a symptom of an unbalanced inner life. When your kids act up, ask yourself: What's really going on here? Are they tired? Are they hungry? Are they frightened? Perhaps they are having social difficulties at school or suffering from undiagnosed learning problems that create much psychic tension and devastate self-esteem.
Try to locate the source of their anxiety, then address it directly. In heated moments, don't become reactive. Hit the pause button. Maintain your leadership and never bully back. If you bully back you are establishing a bullying culture in your family. When to comes to raising children, modeling is king. You may not see it when they are young, but as they get bigger and feel more powerful, it will resurface with a vengeance. These are the true causes. Were they bullied as children by their own parents? Did they grow up with an absent or neglectful parent?
Did they have a narcissistic parent? These are questions parents want to explore. I also look at what's going on in parents' lives: Are they in an unhappy relationship? Does their partner have a different parenting style? Are they suffering parent burnout? It's hard to parent well under those conditions.
Often the best way to turn a bullying situation around at home begins with taking better care of yourself. Grover: Parents committed to working on themselves rarely fall victim to continued bullying. Mindfulness is not a word often associated with parenting. Neither is self-mastery. But without either it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with your child. Parenting will always be an emotional and psychological workout.
After exploring your personal history and exposing the fears and insecurities that foster bullying in your child, make a concrete plan of action that begins with assembling an anti-bullying support team. Too often, bullied parents are ashamed of the situation. Breaking the silence and involving others for support is crucial. Grover, Sean. Wonderful commentary on the dynamics that contribute to bullying - underscores equally the limitations of holding role modeling as the high bar of education for critical life skills. Substantive social change will only occur however when we transition from whole person terminology and name calling Bullies and recognize children, teens and adults that bully as simply having a low level of competency in self-regulation and interpersonal communication.
I am losing the battle in my relationship with my boyfriend and his daughter. All I ask is that she follow my house rules. For a while, he supports me then he let's her break them when they think I won't notice. When I snap, he defends her by saying she's just a kid or takes the blame so I won't get mad at her. I have even caught him cleaning up her messes to avoid her getting in trouble and me finding it. When I'm not in the room, she will even try to blame me or manipulate an incident to acuse me of it.
I hate being at home because it no longer feels like home. I have a feeling that this will not end well for me, as he will defend her even if he knows it's wrong. Man, that must be tough. Unfortunately the father is fostering that behavior and he is acting like child too. And until he puts his foot down, this will not only continue, but will also escalate. I suggest you draw your boundaries with HIM. If he doesn't snap out of it and do something to control HIS daughter, as much as you love him, tell him that you cannot control him and force him to do anything, but you can choose to look for your own sanity and well-being I know this will be tough because most likely, he will take offense and blame you for his incompetence as a parent.
Nevertheless, follow through. If he doesn't grow up, open his eyes, accepts what he is doing and do the work with his kid, nothing but frustration and heartache is in store for you. I wish you good luck. It's sad really. I fell in love with that sweet nature of his and his love for his child. But if I keep letting them walk all over me would be showing no respect for myself. I know I grew up old fashioned and fast but I think today's kids are so messed up.
This behavior has to be stopped somewhere if we are going to have a decent future.
Why are you letting him into your house? Get your home back. You are being tyrannized by him and his daughter? Get your life back. People like this use other people. If he loved you, he wouldn't use you. You are not his mother. Get him out; let's see if he will like this on his own turf. He will then become the bad cop. Lazy man. Are you being manipulated by guilt, as if you are responsible for his happiness?
Weak men manipulate women, because they are too lazy to be the men that they should be. Not fair to you. Are they viable or realistic rules or are they ridiculous? Most of the parents around us impose crazy standards and rules and we don't. Our kids are much better behaved than any we know. Thing is: they are kids. If they make a mess we'll often clean it for them, etc. And we're so far from helicopter parents it's nuts. Some kids we know are crazy. They simply don't follow rules and after a while the parents just go with it since it's a losing battle. I'd rather let them break a few rules and trust me than be crazy strict so they have to hide everything to avoid getting in trouble.
Spock ever wrote or said and get rid of the "green chair" or "time-out" idea. From day one, let the child know who is in charge.. But also She is spot on called out by this article as the Guilty parent. She feels guilt from years ago when she had some personal issues that she has made up for ten thousand times over. It's a matter of respect. Ha ha is your blood type AB by any chance? The Japanese blood type horoscope says that people with that blood type are not easy to get along with for other people.
Maybe because they Sense that the blood is incompatible. Lol what a strange concept. Posted by A on November 20, at am permalink. Wow, you have described me to a T! Thanks for this post! Posted by Debbie on October 14, at pm permalink. Lol this made me laugh. All those people who moan about traffic cameras just there to make money. They are there to stop speeding, not to make money. Why argue about these things? These days I bite my tongue like everything else. Looking for advice. Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I know it is a little long. I am a NT female. I met someone recently whom I completely adore. In fact, I now have a much better understanding of her behavior and admire and love her even more as a friend. I honestly feel like we met for a reason. A mutual colleague stated in passing this person was going through a divorce. Having been through this myself, I could relate to her pain and therefore reached out to her by email. I made it clear I did not expect her to share anything with me but wanted her to know I was praying for her and was available if she ever needed anyone to talk to. She stated would not be able to engage in a conversation because she is very private but stated that it did not mean that she would not be forever grateful that I reached out to a complete stranger and perhaps future friend.
We have since reconnected for professional reasons. I gave her a card letting her know I was thinking of her and praying for her etc. She politely declined via email and asked me nicely not to bring up her personal life to her or anyone again. She also stated she was very sad someone had shared that information with me. I thought it was a little strange as I had already emailed her about this over the summer and she was very grateful I reached out completely different response. Maybe it;s because we interact more frequently now so I know more people who know her.
Not sure. Anyway, she stated we could never have the friendship I kindly offered as she is very private and has very close friends and long-term friends and a wonderful family which is more than she could ask for. I care for an autistic adult whom I have cared for since he was a baby. Given this I have a heart for this population. But that is not the reason I want to have a friendship.
I would like a friendship because I see something in her that I admire and respect and just want to spend time with her. I let her know I was hurt etc.
Since then we have seen each other in a professional setting and everything is fine. We mostly interact via email rather than in person anyway for obvious reasons. No expectations to share personal information. My second question is: How do I build trust with her and let her know that I am a safe person? I have never rejected anyone or ended a friendship for any reason and would never do that to her. Posted by Therese on October 15, at am permalink.
Posted by Z on October 15, at pm permalink. I might thank someone kindly in recognition of sincere good will and kindness but not to encourage further such interaction.
That could be. Unfortunately I cannot elaborate in an effort to protect her identity. She wrote a book that changed my life. I do know her professionally just not personally because she seems to get nervous in social settings hence avoids them. She is one of the kindest gentlest people I know and responds to me with love. She allowed me into her professional life just not her personal life. I would like to believe that people are not genuinely out to hurt others on this blog so try not to take things personally.
I just wanted a little more insight into the situation but realize now that may be difficult given the fact that so many details have been left out. Posted by Therese on October 15, at pm permalink. When they are at work they are there to work and not socialize. You will never figure her out so stop trying. They will communicate via text or computer more versus a live conversation. If I were you I would just leave her alone and allow her to come to you. You can seek her out all you want and if anything she will really eliminate you from her life if you continue coming at her they way you do.
She handles things differently than the rest of us so let it be. I promise. Honestly you sound a bit creepy and like you are the one who may need friends, not her. She has said she has friends and family, and it is incredibly patronizing of you to assume just because she has aspergers that she needs more friends, or you as a friend. She was pretty clear to you she is not interested in a friendship.
This could be for any number of reasons. But either way, your pursuing it further is disrespectful, and frankly, creepy, and borderline stalkerish. Bery strong and unhealthy codependent traits. These are your issues, not hers. I am sure it is not what you would want to hear, I am sorry if that hurts as well. But sometimes taking a good look at yourself is the best medicine. Posted by Sideways on October 15, at am permalink. I am not hurt by your feedback at all. There are many details of the story being left out here so I take it with a grain of salt.
I probably did not make that clear via my post. I initiated a friendship because I have grown to respect and admire her as a professional. I am asking the questions to come to a better understanding. Everyone is different and we all have our share of issues. Thank you for your feedback. If she was in her teens she would have told you in no uncertain terms but as we go through life we learn that we are offending people in the way we speak tell truths and so we learn uber politeness. I think maybe she may be a person with a developmental issue, I would have squashed it, and let her be.
Posted by Danielle on June 19, at pm permalink. This is a really lovely post but one point needs clarification. Individuals with these diagnoses can and do have varying levels of cognitive ability. In diagnostic terms, HFA simply means that the affected individual does not also have comorbid subaverage intellectual ability. Not having intellectual disabilities does not mean that one has a high IQ. Posted by Liz on October 15, at pm permalink.
Posted by kibaki Michael on October 17, at am permalink.
I wish I at least had high IQ and an intense need to do right to go along with my social inaptitude and proneness to depression and self isolation…hmm. Posted by Ragnar on October 17, at pm permalink. Posted by Pete on October 18, at pm permalink. Good God. Posted by Kerrie McLoughlin on October 18, at pm permalink.
Posted by andrea on October 19, at am permalink. Why am I getting the feeling that you are describing me, except for I have never had an IQ test? I never say to anyone, except my two little children, that I love them. I do remember a friend calling me last month. I try to avoid physical contact. When it comes to jobs, I was stressed or even depressed when working in the banks, and then co-founding a start-up with my husband.
But fortunately, I am now feeling super fulfilled on my mission to become a great artist who hopefully can leave a legacy and inspire others to live a more creative life. Shall I get an IQ test? That means I just dread physical contact and intimacy without being particularly smart, right? I had been very stressed and even depressed for years and years, until I found out that I was an artist. Posted by Lucy Chen on October 19, at pm permalink.
Hello, I just wanted to say that you do not necessarily need to have a high IQ to have Aspergers, it can be the case, but not always. Btw, I am female in case you thought I was saying only males with asperges are smart or something. Posted by Ingrid on March 23, at am permalink. Ok, first of all, this subject of dating. Shorty, you got the wrong man any time you long for lonelyness and have suicidal thoughts. Those feelings simply mean you have spent too much time around nts. Ask any teacher about that problem.
Home is a space where you can be yourself and nobody should be allowed in to that space that compromises that in any way. That would defeat the purpose. This is why we have web sites like this one and countless others dedicated to these subjects. Everyone, including aspies, need some sense of community; we are not automatic loners as some think.
After all, if this was true, why do we have imaginary friends? The constant prevailing perception that nobody in their right mind could ever prefer a nerd over a buffalo wing eating beer swilling jock is outdated at best and offensive at worse. As you can see, I have a lot to say about issues like this, but I will close this entry out now. Posted by Alt Tabb on October 20, at pm permalink. He walked on his tippy toes, licked his lips a lot, and his social skills were not up to par.
He was put into a private school and failed kindergarten, after that my aunt moved him into a public school where it took about a year for them to have him tested for dyslexia. The doctor said he was dyslexic and had ADHD. Well a year after that one of his teachers suggested he be retested. They think by telling him it could make a difference for the worse. Any thoughts? Posted by nicole on October 21, at pm permalink. Hey I have autism and my parents told me as soon as I was diagnosed, I think its good for children to know whats happening to them, help them understand why there different.
I always knew I was different but never understood why until my mom and dad told me and it was the best thing they could do for me. They talked about it with me explained in a way that a 10 year old autistic child would get. It took me awhile but I learned to accept that I was autistic. You wait till hes an adult or even till hes in highschool, hes going to take it worse. I believe you should keep no secrets from any child. Special needs or not. I hope this has helped. Love this post, and especially your advice to Aspies to a get married and b find a career. My two biggest goals on my blog are to help young adults and older adults find these two things.
Your advice about specializing in an interest that has a niche is sage. Think of three circles: Passions, Giftedness, and Opportunity. At the intersection of those three circles is where one wants to specialize. Posted by Steve Borgman on October 21, at pm permalink. I find the tone of this article disturbingly and unrealistically tragic and negative. Also there are very broad, sweeping statements made that, while I see some validity of supporting evidence, in themselves are so simplified that they are untrue.
There is a big difference between having difficulty in keeping friends and not having friends at all. I guarantee you, if I only had one friend in the world I would go insane. What if I found myself in a long term relationship that was unhealthy? I would be better off single. To say you absolutely must have a spouse is a massive generalisation. It is true that I am not interested in having loads of friends, I want a smaller number of GOOD friends, but there is a huge difference between wanting a small number of genuine friends and only having 1 friend who is a spouse.
Why is a partner definitely necessary but raising kids is not? Posted by Eric on October 25, at am permalink. I would like to say that an Aspie I would like to say, as mentioned before by someone else, that I want a small group of good friends. Also If anyone has any advice for me for relationships I would like to hear it. All the advice I have heard so far is that I should just look after myself, be positive and stay open to having a relationship and i will find myself in one.
What do you mean that we should focus on getting a relationship exactly and how does that work? Posted by Benjamin Wilshire on October 29, at am permalink. Just realised the tone of my earlier comment was probably a bit unnecessarily aggressive, apologies, just one of those days. Posted by Eric on October 25, at pm permalink. Posted by MW on February 13, at pm permalink.
I love your blogs. Thank you for being so open and honest with your readers about your life. My son 10 has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. I know it bothers me more than it bothers him. How can I get out of the mindset that he needs to have friends, playdates, etc. Can you write something to parents of Aspies about these things? Love you! Keep writing! Posted by Julia on October 29, at pm permalink. I am so sorry to read that blog of yours. I am not saying that in general terms you are wrong, but it is so stereotyping the case.
Asperger disorder has many shades and generalizing as you are doing is very confusing. My son has Asperger, and I fought many years with so many psychologists, they kept saying that nothing is wrong with my son, I insisted until finally a group of specialists gave their diagnosis to us. My son has Asperger, but he is far away from being depress and moody, he is so happy, he has his moment like everybody else, he does has problems in understanding between lines and has lots of challenges in critical thinking in school.
My son wants many friends and does everything possible to have many friends. I am not saying you are wrong, but you took the issue to a very extreme. Sorry for my English. Posted by giora shavit on November 6, at pm permalink. The problems he has in life are all due to it. I need advise, how in gods name do you tell a 32 year old man he has asbergus? I cannot see how the hell this was not picked up during his schooling or by his family or even a shrink that he now sees. I love going out in big social groups but there is no way I can go out with him any longer with my other friends as he is socially WRONG in every sense of the word.
I would never be friends with anyone else that behaved the way he does, but I understand him and because of his asbergus I know none of it is deliberate or meant to hurt people intentionally. I can never see him having any other long term friends that are not going to want him or use him. Its a sad situation and I never would have known asbergus even existed if one of his late friends now deceased had not pointed me to an article that related to him.
Posted by Nathan on November 16, at am permalink. Perhaps you can share this article with him, or ask him if he would be willing to take an online screening quiz? Posted by Nathan on December 31, at pm permalink. Posted by M on January 30, at pm permalink. Posted by blackwatertown on November 17, at pm permalink. There are folks with Aspergers who are very low IQ — and some who are on the opposite end of the intellectual spectrum. Posted by Tracy on November 21, at pm permalink. They then seemed far more predisposed to to rationalise about it afterwards than other people.
For the reasons stated, people with Aspergers are particularly bad at acquiring experience from making and recognising their past mistakes. Posted by AB on January 1, at pm permalink.
Do you have a source? The person was right in sayingTalk about taking it to another level. People seem to complain about our rigidity a lot until they need someone to fill their STEM jobs. As technology grows and more of these jobs are needed that clearly you guys seem ill-equiped to do, it will only a matter of time until we outbreed you guys and become the majority. Posted by John on January 10, at pm permalink. Yes, I do have a source.
And I quoted it. The Dunning Kruger effect — look it up. Posted by AB on February 26, at pm permalink. When I am out of the house, I study by myself, eat by myself, and even watch movies by myself. I just go to class, listen, take notes, and recite as best as I can. I do things with people when they ask me, but I seldom ask them to do things with me. It would feel like I am imposing myself on them. My family said to me that I could study in law school and do whatever the lawyer was doing. Sometimes I think that I should have pursued art or stuck with being a researcher.
I can do that. I like the Myers Brigg personality test and think about the personality types of people I know. A job is something that I could do with hard work. When I applied for my first job, I applied for at least jobs and got 10 interviews and 2 job offers. Should I apply what I did to get a job to find a life partner?
How could I date them? Maybe I should find someone like me. Posted by Joyce on December 8, at am permalink. Wow, Joyce, I really appreciate you writing here and sharing so much about your situation. We INFPs and whatever else is going on with our unique designs do things differently, and have our own unique gifts and talents to offer too. There is no black and white advice that works for everyone.
Posted by Felicia on December 8, at am permalink. Joyce, Thank you for being honest. I wish my other Aspy girls would start being honest and proud of who they are. Some are still in denial and they continue to have men beat and take advantage of them. Would you want someone doing that to you? This builds anger from guys and this is how terrible things happen. Be patient and maybe you should consider dating a woman?
Why not? Give it a shot and see if it works. Posted by Jacki M on February 21, at pm permalink. Women find me incredibly uninteresting,boring,dull and nerdy. I enjoy employment that is predictable,and puts me in contact with as few people as possible. To suggest this offends me greatly.
Posted by john on December 25, at am permalink. John, Your comment is really helpful to me, thank you for sharing your experience. I too had the misconception about empathy, so you have clarified that for me. Posted by Felicia on December 25, at am permalink. Posted by john on December 25, at pm permalink. This is inspiring, thx. We have different challenges than other people. And yes we do somethings different than other people. I have a support team including my family, a social worker, good friends. They have helped me through alot. I believe everybody is equal in the world no one is beneath anyone.
You sound like a great person haves a sweet personality. Posted by john on March 1, at pm permalink. Posted by Pierce on March 19, at pm permalink. Much better is just to go out with your mates and pretend to be interested in their small talk.
Aspergers/ASD: Making Life Easier, Safer, and Better: (A Parent's Roadmap to Sanity) [Mr Anton M Swenson, Ms Anna Marie Brown, Ms Jenny Brown] on. Asperger's/Asd: Making Life Easier, Safer, Better: (A Parent's Roadmap to Sanity) eBook: Tony M. LeMay, Anna Marie Brown, Jenny Bastet Brown: uzafifirived.tk
I and my son have Autism Spectrum disorder with Tourrettes. Having children has been wonderful. My daughter may be on the spectrum as well but not sure as of yet. I hope that as aspie-women become more recognized, we will be more accepted. Fear of being unaccepted…another trait? What do I do now? Thank you for the break down. I hope it elicits a little more awareness for the female presentation. Hi, I know you said duplication is forbidden, but could I copy your helpful list into a google doc and annotate it to send to my therapist?
Strictly for personal use! Hi Grace, thank you for asking and yes, if you reference my work, I have no problem with it at all. I had my special interests and friends that were like minded so that helped. When I got to university I felt less pressured to be like others and I felt more comfortable with the feeling of being different. During postgraduate studies, I started to find myself — I embraced alternative music, lifestyles and fashions and I felt like I belonged, especially amongst a loosely collected group of people who celebrated their difference to the mainstream and made the point that they were different to others.
I became alot more extroverted and socialised more. It was like I went through the stereotypical teenage years in my early twenties. During doctoral studies I travelled overseas. Being in a foreign city without family, friends and people who knew me, was a watershed experience, I shed something then.
Back in my home country, over the next few years I went through great emotional turmoil, but I realised and discovered my same sex attraction which had started with my fascination with an actress in a TV cop show in that foreign city. I eventually came out and I feel now, a few years later and a six year relationship, that I know who I am, and why I am different, but also I feel I can relate to a lot more people. Thank you for a great article, and inspiring my to write about my experience.
Dear sapphicscientist, thank you for sharing your amazing story with us here on my blog. Your story is not unlike many of the adult women I see in my clinic. Stories like yours are so beneficial for us all to read. I learn something from every client I meet and every story I hear or read.
Thanks Tania. I am a big believer in telling your story so others may benefit or at least have something to refer to. Great idea and avenue for people to share their stories and increase their understanding of these traits and the syndrome itself. Below, are my comments an personal experience I posted. You are so welcome.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and so pleased you are now writing about it:- I wish you all the best. Hi Tania I have many similarities with most of the comments above and am very grateful for all the work you are doing with females with Aspergers and especially making this list of traits available. So huge Thank You. I am a married 45 yo mother of 2 young teenagers, who like most of those above felt a huge relief when finally there was a reason why I was different. This feeling soon changed when I realised that significant others would prefer me not to be labeled as such.
Honestly I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. So some feelings to work through at the moment. Since I have gone through all the traits listed, with ticks and crosses, and then calculated the percentage aspie trait perhaps! After reading this article and many, many others , I have two questions for you about the utility and possibility of diagnosis. My mother says she is absolutely not, but she has a lot of Aspie traits also.
If I addressed everything on your list I identify with… it would be half your list. So my questions are: 1 Would I be likely or unlikely to qualify for diagnosis? Would it help me in situations like those above? Incidentally, I made a counseling appointment with student services once to discuss this with a knowledgeable professional, but rather than answer my clear and straightforward questions, he just kept asking me how I felt.
Would this be ok with you? Thank you for this! We have always wondered as she is quite unique in her way of relating to the world. As I began actual research I was floored when I saw that I, myself, exhibited most symptoms from childhood through adulthood. Thank you for sharing this! I will surely be seeking out a diagnoses in the near future. I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Reblogged this on wrldnmyshldrs81's.
So, I am 30 and just started grad school after having attended 5 colleges, working, peace corps, etc. I recently went in to get tested for ADD and came out with a positive diagnosis for it and a possible diagnosis for Asbergers. They just needed to ask more questions. Needless to say i am shocked.
As I am waiting for the results I have been doing my own research and there seems to be uncanny resemblances in me and these symptoms, but seem to have no sensory issues. I did say yes to of these charicteristics. Some of my quirks that resemble what ive read are mimicking social situations in fear of saying the wrong thing by being yourslf, having no clue why I have offended someone, and taking things way too literally. Very interesting and relieving to read. Then again I would much prefer to watch Voyager than Bananas in Pyjamas anyway.
I have spent most days since the diagnosis reading the experts opinions and interpretations and found myself being left frustrated. How can they really know — they can only hypothesise and do studies and experiments. Thank you for your message. I am aware of many bright professionals who work with individuals with differences, for the reason that they themselves were that child with differences.
Having said that, I now need to state that no, I am not saying I am aspie or nt, that is my own private business:- I do get asked that on a tegular basis. My comments are an effort to stand by my amazing and awesome colleagues who have invested huge amounts of time, money, energy and education to support, advocate, and provide services:- I admire my colleagues and have the utmost respect for them.
Thank you for your message and I wish you all the best Yes I appreciate you clarifying things for me. I meant no disrespect and have to add this point to my list. Now I have found this site I will learn new things and contribute more appropriately thank you again. My 18 year old daughter just graduated with honors and needless to say I am so proud of her and also so happy the high school years are behind us. High School was a living hell for her. I had assumed that her differences were due to the fact that she was intellectually more advanced and that other children could not identify with her.
On the other hand I could see a social and emotional disconnect that I could not account for. I have always provided her with a safe place and let her be her. Now she is an adult and will be going out into a world I fear she is unprepared to face. While I have considered that she may be and Aspie I have not broached the subject with her. Now I am not sure how. Part of me thinks that she will view it with the same analytic spirit with which she views her world. I do not want her to feel that I see her as damaged or defective.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach this? That seems like a tough decision to make. It seems to me that the most respectful approach would be to let her make the decision to seek help on her own. It seems to me that a lot of people with this condition will develop secondary conditions in the attempt cope with the first one. It souds like she will have difficulties at some point, and it is probably better to start getting the support you will need as soon as you can!
Just my two cents. Good luck! I am an Aspie and I do have Irlen syndrome. I am also something of an intellectual which is inconsistent with the lack of ability to read much. It has gotten worse as I grow older. It is very difficult for me to fit in anywhere and it is easy for me to be alone. When I was a child I hated family outings and visits so, I often refused to go.
I stayed in the solitude of my room. Noise drives me crazy. It actually hurts. My body hurts all the time. And, I am a compulsive decorator. Everything has to be in its place and my house has to be totally clean and orderly. This is just a little bit of what it is like to be me. My wish is for things to be easier especially with people. I have one more question: there is already a tendency to view things like introversion and shyness as pathologies. I have encountered this negative attitude head on.
For example, one of the biggest problems that people faced with mental illness have in Western countries is social exclusion. But I can just sense this. The term does not feel neutral enough. Only, I think I prefer to associate mostly with the latter. Since I know I have definite weaknesses and definite mismatches with the majority and also how culture tends to be e. Hello Elise and thank-you for your message. I believe that early diagnosis is imperative.
I have seen far too many adults in my clinic who would have immensely benefited from a dignosis, iontervention and support, when they were children. The term Aspergers provides and explanation, self-understanding, education and knowledge. I agree with you that there are similarities between female Aspergers and Dr. Individuals with Aspergers have many gifts and talents, along with some weaknesses, like most people. Take care Thanks for this list I ticked off of them. After years of feeling odd and out of place I now feel relieved to know I can put a name to why I am the way I am.
My partner has joked for ages that I am on the spectrum he has a brother who is autistic. I came across a thread of people with Aspergers discussing the same issue. I then looked up symptoms in women and came across this article. Omg, years ive been trying to help figure myself out.. My social difficulties, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed by too much light, noise, too many people, too much conversation.
My clumsiness, lack of eye contact, repetitive behaviors. I grew up with a brother with Autism, and, so far as I know, my only first cousin is also Autistic. Where I live, there is really only one mental health resource a community mental health center. Besides, um……were you in special education in school? Then, yeah, probably not it. You would have struggled in school. And, Autism is a developmental disorder that would have been caught in the school years. Well, still am. This place really is my only resource. I just feel stuck, and am struggling with the idea of going back there for my next appointment, knowing that they just want to evaluate me for depression and social phobia.
The social phobia, I can understand….. The depression, I disagree with. Extreme fatigue? Being overwhelmed? Self-loathing, oppressive sadness, etc? Hi Liz, I am sorry to hear about your story and it is all too common unfortunately. I do empathize with your situation. I currently am providing diagnostic assessments via Skype to adults all over the world, if that is an option for you. I am doing this primarily because there is such a lack of professionals in this particular area at the moment.
Let me know if you are interested. Thanks for your efforts to, in effect, make people aware of the characteristics of Asperger women. As a non-Aspie in a long-term committed relationship with an Aspie, I can vouch that an Aspie woman brings to a relationship definite strengths that non-Aspie women typically lack. However, the reality is that Aspie women also bring definite weaknesses. Awareness, including self-awareness, goes far toward understanding if not resolving relationship issues.
Hi, I am a 23 year old female from the UK. Most people are surprised to learn my age because I look much younger. I am very quite when I speak, I get very anxious in social situations and I detest eye contact! I can relate to almost everything above. I dropped out of university because I found it so overwhelming but a year later I signed up to college to study animal management. Only my sister understands me. Very recently I have become aware of my own anxiety and often my GP has commented on the fact that I might be stressed.
I am starting to believe that what I am calling stress is actually anxiety. They always told people that was the case whenever I did something weird in social situations anyways. I am in the UK and doubt that I will ever get it prescribed but am quite alarmed by the number of statements on your list that apply to me. I have tried assertiveness training, making a conscious effort to speak louder or not at all there was a period when I was younger that I just decided not talking was easier than trying to explain myself.
Of late my isolation has had health implications. Also many thanks for writing this list, I never would have found out such a thing existed or explained my being different to such a large extent. Also apologies for the rather long comment. I have struggled all my life with being different, not able to communicate effectively, not able to cope with being touched and anxious constantly. Two days ago I found out I had Aspergers after my son also being diagnosed. Thank you for your list — it has really helped me draw the pieces of my past together into something that makes so much more sense.
I can see why my marriage failed, and it helps to find out that there is a reason for how I am. Wow, this describes me in so many ways. It has been difficult but much easier as I have aged and matured. Thank you for the great information. This is SO interesting!!! I can relate to so many of the things on these lists, so many…….. I am finally exploring, at the age of nearly 50, why I have felt so out of place my whole life.
I can relate to many of the traits of ADD inattentive type but I think there is a fair bit of Aspie in me as well. My son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism at the age of 3 he is 18 now and we lead our lives and have our house, just the way we like it. We are both gamers, love animals, neither of us likes too much sunlight in the house and we spend a lot of time just doing our own thing, getting together for meals mostly. He has the most amazing hearing and I have an excellent sense of smell. Other than that, we are very similar with a lot of the stuff that pushes our buttons, mostly relating to the social world.
I am grateful every day that I have a child that I can relate to so well….. I have an older daughter as well but she is as NT as its possible for someone to be and her growing up years were challenging. She left home and my son and I breathed a sigh of relief. We are quite close but she really doesnt understand me at all.
I was agreeing with him because my son very clearly doesnt have this ability — in fact, if I am upset about something, I have to actually TELL him that I am upset because he has no clue. But……having read these lists above, I am wondering if it IS possible for someone on the spectrum to be as intuitive as I am? Hello Hannah! I was so pleased to get your message. It is incredible and look out!
The next few years there is going to be an explosion of knowledge in this area and I am so pleased about this. With acceptance, my drinking and other self-destructive coping behaviors have of their own accord improved significantly. Hi, thanks for this. Do you have any ideas how I can do this? I live in the UK. Hi Camilla, I regularly provide diagnostic assessments via Skype to adults all over the world, if that is an option for you. Please make sure you see someone who specialized in the female profile of Aspergers. I always wondered why I was different from others…This information was extremely useful that now I know what makes me different from everyone.
Yeah, add me to the list of un-diagnosed women who recognize themselves when they read your article. I may use this list when I finally decide to get myself a proper diagnosis. I have always been different from the rest of the pack. I have been blessed with the fact that my father accepted and encouraged my growth. I not only love me I truly like me for all my faults as well as my strengths. I am almost 60 yrs. I fail to see the reason why every one thinks Asperger Syndrome is a problem and I should seek help.
I like who I am and see no need to change me. The Normals should be so lucky! I think that having some understanding of why we are so different really helps many with Asbergers understand ourselves in relation to others. My new understanding and in large part thanks to this community and especially taniaannmarshall has strengthened me, helped me to build my self confidence.
There were aspects of my Asbergers poor working memory and inconsistent oral communication that always held me back from being able to share the amazing gifts that come with being an Asbie, but now I have a much clearer understanding of how to navigate around my deficits to share my gifts. It was only in my adult working life when I was repeatedly funnelled through into leadership positions that I started to recognize that I understood complex situations better than my co-workers, that my confidence in my abilities started to grow.
However, even then I continued to doubt myself because when I felt vulnerable, I would retreat into that old place of humiliation and lack of self confidence I would doubt my ability and imagine that I was only in that prestigious position by fluke. Understanding Asbergers is huge for me, because now I can start to revisit those early years that were so negative. Instead of nurturing me, my school experience sapped my self confidence. This new understanding is empowering. I feel as if I have lots to share with the world, and I now have the confidence to pursue doing so.
Some of us are lucky enough to have navigated our way through the system to live functional, productive lives. This new understanding may help many people to come forward to share their incredible gifts with the world with more confidence. We have lots to share with the world — for the good of the world. I know enough about myself to stop writing now because I could just keep going. Thank you so much for your hard work! Incredibly intelligent. I think you might have changed my life, or perspective on my life.
I guess I have a couple questions. I actually stumbled onto your blog and never thought of myself of having aspergers. After reading your blog, I deliberately go hunting for more of what you are writing, blogs, books, tests, and more about aspergers. There is not much out there. I see the same seven or eight symptoms, which seem very flat to me. Not nice and puffy like your lists.
I guess my question is, why do doctors know so little about aspergers? Who is going help fill them in on the high functioning aspergers? Why is the list of symptoms out there so dry? Is this a syndrome? I have always been misunderstood— nor do I understand. So what do I do, now? I feel as though I were still from another planet! For myself: Write, read, pray, and make your day Or in my case, night… wherein thoughts shine bright.
Clingy, temper tantrums as a child; never quite understanding what was going on— until I learned to read. Then, my world came into focus, but I was still deficient in social interaction. I still have problems with that, as well as with certain types of organization, forgetting faces; get lost easily, etc. Also, am easily overwhelmed with day- to-day living. I am an underachiever, and can often barely take care of myself. Yet at other times, I can do wonders, and even astound myself and others. So my performance has always been quite uneven: exacerbated also by medical illnesses.
Overall, I have no problems in verbalization, but have been deficient in most other areas— though I have also had some success with music and computers. I have had very truncated relationships, or else, the people involved died, moved, etc. So, sleep problems enter into all this… DPSD, for example? Or anything else physical, such as atypical migraines, or fibromyalgia?
Hello Twilight Gold and thank-you for your message. I believe it is never too late for a diagnosis. I have personally assessed and diagnosed many adults, including up to the age of You certainly sound as though you do have traits. It is difficult for me to advise you of where to get help, as I do not know what country you are from. I would advise you contact your nearest Autism Society or Centre? Or a specialist who works with Aspergers and adults? All the best Thank you, Tania, for your research and for sharing it.
I just read the story of my life in your article. I am glad and grateful to be whom I am. Pingback: it all starts here My Extraordinary life. Really Really amazing. I dated a woman for two years who never told me she had this disorder. The challenges were more than I could ever explain. I can relate to each and every one of your sections. How did it end? I came home one day and she was gone.
Thanks for sharing your awesome work. Your work is focused on females, I am not sure do these also describe men? I am not sure am i also a aspie? If I am a aspie, then i might be a high functioning one that had learnt skills to cope socially in early years of my career, where i think i am ok till i read your research to realise that I may have coped well all these years.
In my profession, I deliver countless of management and leadership training, and also provide one to one coaching in the area of management and leadership. I agree with your research that when it comes to social interaction with my participants, I am not very good. Hi Fabian, thank-you for your message and your kind words. I am aware that some males identify with some of these traits. We are becoming more aware of a distinct female profile and this is my focus, as females have been left out of the research. Aspies have varying degrees of functioning across domains for e. One superpower of Aspergers is the ability to work one-on-one or present to a group, rather than work within a group.
Yes, there appears to be a large genetic component to Aspergers and many families that I support are able to trace Aspergers back one or more generations. Do let me know once you have published your book or maybe you had already. I would like get a copy to understand more about Asperger from your research and practice perspective. Hi there, reading your list of traits has been an enlightening experience for me. I am socially awkward and often find myself shut into my head when in groups. I have a 5 year old boy who has just been diagnosed as an Aspie, leading me to question my own traits.
I have done a few on line tests, but always come out as neuro typical, but this list has so many ticks for me. I have extreme difficulty making and maintaining friendships and relationships. I have an eating disorder and drink way too much when I am out even though I have low tolerance to alcohol. I have been promiscuous in the past because sex was the only way I could connect.
I seem to have gotten past that now, but I do still have some pretty bad habits when it comes to coping strategies. I live in Ireland and I know it is not going to be worth trying for a formal diagnosis — especially when most people have absolutely no idea about what goes on in my head!
This is very reassuring and I would like to say thank you. Hi Tania, Thank you for this. I am 48 years old, have never fit in. I relate to so many of the traits you have listed. I have always taken things literally and often over think things when someone is telling a joke. Had to leave study a couple of times, just overwhelmed. Colours have to match in my home.
When watching a tv show or movie, I am always looking at the detail in the background. Feel the most at peace at home alone. If I am forced into a social situation, as in a family wedding, for a week or two, I actually become depressed. Drank alcohol to fit in when younger, but came to realise my nervous system over reacts to alcohol and many medications. If an ad comes on tv involving babies or small children, I will be in tears within seconds. If I see or walk into a certain house or nature setting, can actually feel it maybe that is just normal?
Was a very picky eater as a child, could not tolerate a lot of tastes. Have regular migraines where noise, even someone talking makes my head hurt. I could go on and on. Is it worth it at my age to get diagnosed? Where would I go in WA? Hello Jewels and thank-you for your message. Currently, there are a couple of generations of adults all over the world who have undiagnosed Asperger Sydnrome or Autism and may or may not know they have it.
There are a few different diagnostic pathways to a diagnosis, either through a child or family member, self-diagnosing, through seeking help for a presenting issue anxiety, social anxiety, depression, and so on. I believe it is worth it at any age to obtain a diagnosis. I believe this for many reasons which I discuss in another blog and am going to write more about in the future.
I will be starting a lsit of specialists on my website in the future. I will email you as well. Thank you for making this list. I identify with the majority of traits mentioned. It is really comforting to know that other women experience the same difficulties as me. I really feel that I want to get some kind of help for this, but I feel that if I tell someone, they may not believe me.
I can come across confident, but as this article has mentioned, it is always a performance. Often Aspergers in females is misdiagnosed as the presenting condition, i. Technically, a diagnosis is prvoded so one can access funding, services or support. However I know of many adults who are functioning well but want a formalized diagnosis more as an explanation of their experiences to date, for self-knowledge and self-understanding and for their families. More about this in upcoming blogs.
Thank you for your advise Tania, you are right about needing a diagnosis for self-understanding, I will be checking your blogs regularly, thanks again. Hello cc and you are welcome. Hello Riverworksblog, you are so welcome. Most often, a healthy Aspie-Aspie couple work very well together:- Take Care. So I started searching about my conditions. What should I do? Hello Emeraldsapphire, thank-you for your message, I receive many from young women such as yourself.
The second difficulty for them is usually in communication, interpreting others and relationships. Read all you can and I wonder is there an Autism or Aspergers Centre where you live? Give some suggestions. Is it possible that one of your carers or an adult that you trust would read some of the information regarding female Aspergers that you identify with? The Internet has greatly helped many to find out more information about female Aspergers. Self-Knowledge and Understanding The best intervention for Asperger syndrome is knowledge, understanding and approach.
Knowledge and understanding: researching Asperger syndrome in terms of learning and understanding the condition and how it relates to the individual. Approach: means using a strengths-based approach in understanding her unique profile of abilities. Focusing on her abilities, gifts and talents is critical. Accommodations will help the person adapt appropriately and function the best she can within a variety of settings. My mam always worried about me beeing most of the time on my own because she couldnt understand why.
That was very embarrissing and made us emotionally a kind of separating.